EVEN during this pandemic panic, with the threat of human Armageddon and global recession hanging over us, it’s good to know football can still give us something to smile about.
And the idea of Liverpool’s “Unbearables” being forced to celebrate their first Premier League title in front of an empty stadium will certainly have brought a few sly grins to faces in Manchester and elsewhere.
The Reds are now expected to be confirmed as champions when they face Crystal Palace — and their old “Croydon Shankly”, Roy Hodgson — at Anfield on Saturday week.
Which is just about the time when the coronavirus is expected to reach levels that will force all major sporting events to be played out behind closed doors.
You’ll never walk alone. Apart from when you win your first title in 30 years. Commemorative shirts with COVID-19, rather than SALAH 11, printed on the back.
It is mean-spirited for rival fans to be amused by this possibility, so stop sniggering at the back.
But at times of crisis — when grown men are stockpiling bog roll and mucking about performing elbow bumps with straight faces — black humour is the best medicine (well, a vaccine notwithstanding).
And of course Anfield would not be entirely silent without paying supporters, as there would still be plenty of cheering from the press box when the new champions are confirmed.
Yet for one Liverpool player, a coronavirus coronation in front of an empty stadium would genuinely allow us to understand his full worth — and that is captain Jordan Henderson.
We know this because when England visited Croatia in 2018 for a Nations League clash played behind closed doors — after a racist groundsman had mown a swastika on a pitch (yes, really) — Henderson was the star turn.
As one of around 150 media types in the stadium in Rijeka for that otherwise-forgettable goalless draw, it was hugely instructive to watch and listen to an international football match played out to silence.
And we learned that, despite Harry Kane wearing the armband, Henderson was England’s undoubted leader and bawler-in-chief.
His verbals were a constant feature — geeing up team-mates, tactically moaning at the officials and even yelling the words ‘are you the f***ing ref?’ at Croatia manager Zlatko Dalic after he’d appealed for a penalty.
If you’d ever wondered what made Henderson quite so crucial for club and country then it was laid bare that night.
He is proficient in most of the midfield basics — passing, tackling, getting about the pitch — but for a Champions League-winning skipper with 55 caps, Henderson never seems exceptional at any one thing.
Except, that is, for shouting.
And as Stephen Fry’s Duke of Wellington, in Blackadder, told us: “There’s only one way to win a campaign — SHOUT! SHOUT! AND SHOUT AGAIN!”
Even in the modern era of supreme athleticism and tactical wonkery, it is comforting to know that good old-fashioned bellowing can be as effective at the elite level as it is on the parks on a Sunday morning (the only place you’ll be able to watch football live by next month).
That Henderson, 29, is such a genuinely polite and affable chap off the pitch makes his on-field persona all the more enjoyable.
The Mackem is without doubt a “don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone” type of footballer.
When he suffered a hamstring injury during the first leg of the Reds’ Champions League tie at Atletico Madrid, a previously-invincible Liverpool suffered three defeats in four games and have been way below-par in all of their matches without him.
Boss Jurgen Klopp is hopeful of Henderson being fit for tomorrow’s return leg and confident he will make Monday’s derby at Everton — meaning he will be back to see Liverpool over the line and crowned kings, with or without a proper audience.
We know all the disparaging stories about Henderson. How Brendan Rodgers was ready to off-load him to Fulham in exchange for Clint Dempsey in 2012.
How Sir Alex Ferguson decided against signing him because he had an unusual gait.
How he was overwhelmed by Croatia’s midfield in the World Cup semi-final as Gareth Southgate’s “single pivot”.
Yet such an unflashy player deserves appreciation for what has become a stellar career.
Hopefully the TV companies will not turn down their microphones, nor the players tone down their language, when English football enters its new era, far from the madding crowds.
Honestly, it should be good fun to listen to these players during matches while you’re self-isolating with your Sky subscriptions.
And it would be a treat to hear Henderson cajoling and b*****king his way to a title-clinching victory, while raising the games of more- talented team-mates because he is quite brilliant at that.
In fact, stick him in a lab, get him barking at those immunisation microbiologists and we’ll have that vaccine in next to no time.
